As I’m starting to write this, the team just brought Luke’s 5th round of chemo in since we got here on Thursday. I asked them to leave and take the chemo with them. They know what I mean. I saw Luke look up and see the extra gown protection the nurses wear when they are handling the poison. I wonder what Luke is thinking in this moment. I would be begging for more drugs to put me to sleep the entire time.

I just prayed over that fucking poison. Yes, I realize I just said pray and fuck in the same sentence. Fuck. Luke should not have to be going through this. No one should. I was holding one of his hands with my head down on his bed, while fucking praying and crying, and when the nurses are done starting all the chemo and leaving the room I hear Luke say “thank you.” He has his computer on his lap for the first time since we got here and is trying to type something with one hand (I have his other one). I don’t know if he is buying $2000 worth of smurfberries or what. He can do whatever he wants.

We arrived to clinic Thursday at 8:15 am. We had a pit stop at McDonalds on the way here. Luke inhaled 2 gigantic breakfast meals (GROSS). We both know it is the last thing he will eat for quite a while. He made it count. Actually he made the 20 days we were at home count with lots of great memories and of course FOOD. He gained 6 lbs while at home. AWESOME! We did the whole rigamorole of labs, ECG, covid, flu, caps, lines, broviac care, blach blah blah plus a 3 hour stay in the corner quarantine room waiting for Luke’s covid test to come back. Then we went “room shopping” and landed in 753-right next to our old 754.” 754 is empty but in nead of some repair-oops. The double sided tape we used last time for our decorations absolutely ripped some paint and drywall off in several places. There was a battery pack for lights on one of the upside down christmas trees we had up that apparently created a fun contest, after we were discharged, for the employees on the 7th floor ho could get it off the wall first. We were greeted with lots of 3M strips by several people upon our return. I felt bad and apologized. “No drilling or hammering into the walls, but use all the strips, tape, whatever you want.” So, I did. I got the strongest stuff I could find but apparently a bit too strong. When they were handing me the 3M strips upon “moving in to 753” Luke just looked at me at raised his eyebrows. He had that look you give your kids when they know they are in trouble. You don’t have to say anything because the look says it all. Whoopsie daisy.

Luke received a text from a fraternity brother at KU that swabbed and signed up to be a bone marrow donor at the Be The Match event the Betas organized on behalf of Luke. He received the text about 30 minutes after he had started his first of many rounds of chemo this stay. This fraternity brother, who, ahem, happens to be a very large leader of the Betas, has been identified as a MATCH for another person with leukemia. He will be donating his bone marrow very soon for whoever this other person is. I don’t know the details but I don’t need to. HE IS SAVING A LIFE. Luke and I were so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy and hope and all the feelings, we both cried. A good cry. A happy cry. The fucking praying is working. Doing the right thing. Thinking of others first. Giving. Loving. Living selflessly. It is the only way.

On that note, I have been told there has been some “reminder education” in place since we discharged last time about patients rights and visitor policy. Remember when it was negative donkeys degrees outside at 10:47 PM and the charge nurse tried to kick Morgan out the day before we were discharge? Even if it was sunny and 70 with common sense, it was completely illegal. I followed up on that upon our return. I did it nicely too. They couldn’t have been kinder. I adore these people. They truly are angels.

Luke has, minus about 40 minutes total, been out of it since 2:15 PM Thursday. He has a comfy cozy bed and is receiving all the meds he can to keep him comfortable. He and I discussed before all of this, that he would rather “sleep” through all that he can during this active chemo time. That is what is happening. He is listening for sure because when he hears something he likes he raises his eyebrows or gives a little smile. When I bug him and whisper things in his ear, he responds. He occasionally says random things that make zero sense but also is very in tune with what’s going on. He has taken 3 tiny sips of water since Thursday only to get the meds down that are not available to put through his broviac. No food. This is exactly as expected, planned, and totally OK. He stays hydrated through his broviac and he will catch up on his food. He can go about 7-8 days without eating. I can barely go 7-8 minutes without a snack. Ben and I rally to get Luke to sit up while we fenagle a linens and clothing change for him. We theraworx him, he brushes his teeth with water and spits, and he lays back down. This is exhausting and nauseous for him, but he never complains.

Every time I go to kiss Lukes head, we have that static electricity shock. I hope he isn’t too mad at me about that when he “wakes up.”

Luke spiked a fever last night around midnight. They are running all the blood cultures but think it is a reaction to one of his chemos. It happened last time but have to rule out any bacterial infections. His fever broke today around 9:30 am. He didn’t have to immediately start on antibiotics or antifungal because his counts haven’t bottomed out yet.

As I am finishing writing this post, his first chemo for today is complete. He will start the second one in a couple of hours and it runs for around 3 1/2 hours. The poison will continue for 5 days. Then we watch his counts drop, manage side effects, keep him safe, start eating and drinking (no, I never stopped), get up and walk. I watch Luke in disbelief build his body back up and keep his mind strong. I want to be Luke when I grow up, except I don’t really ever want to grow up. Being an adult is a trap!

Buckets of fucking prayers,

Sux Suz