A labryinth is a winding path along which a person may walk, crawl, roll, ride, skip, hop, dance, or otherwise move. It is a prayerful movement. It is a journey of a purposeful path that leads to connection, healing, and discovery.

I went to the hospital Chapel this evening to sit with God. Pray. Cry. And to be filled with hope and healing. Let’s be honest, I went there to PLEAD to God. I’ve been in this Chapel many times but I have never walked the labyrinth that is very beautifully detailed on the floor. I found the starting of this maze and I started walking heal to toe forward all around the floor. Sharp turns. All forward. I went slow and was very careful with every step. I contemplated as I was doing this, I was conversing with God and myself as I went around and around. I thought about this path my family has been on. I thought about how we had to go backwards in this maze, or did we?This was the plan all along. I thought about all the gazillions of people that have been carrying us along this maze BUT I also thought about the choices that I have to move forward. I got to the end, the middle of the room and paused. (I may have had to move a few chairs around to finish this labyrinth but hey who doesn’t like rearranging furniture?). Because I am a weirdo, I decided to walk the maze backwards. Toe to heal. It was MUCH more difficult, slower, and I touched the lines on the side-especially around the sharp curves. I mean I have big feet but it was much more difficult to go backwards. I knew it was dumb before I took my first step. Who REALLY wants to go backwards (unless roller skating becuase that is always fun to roller skate backwards). As I was concentrating on completing the maze, going backwards, I thought about not only my boy’s journey to get to transplant, but my own life. I am done with anyone that not only walk backwards, but run backwards. You can’t see what is RIGHT in front of you when you choose to not look, or run away from it. Life is much too full of laughter and smiles to do anything but skip ahead. I may have to go forward like an inchworm or a little turtle- sometimes a snapping turtle so watch out. But at least I’ll be going in the right direction with my boys.

I got to back to the starting point, backwards, and wanted to sit and pray. I looked around the room and decided I would sit in the middle of the room, at the end of the maze. I couldn’t just across this maze to get back to the middle, so I decided to do it again, forward. I went 5 times faster this time. Duh. I then sat down in the middle of the floor and kind of replayed all that had gone through my head the last 20 minutes. I cried. I released, and I pleaded. It all makes sense. Cancer, nor anyone else is going to force me backwards. I’ll deal with what is ahead of me and not look back. If you know me, I’ll be dancing along that maze, moving forward with my boys leading the way.

I prayed that my physical body and cells were enough for our Luke.

I prayed that the pain Luke is feeling, would be taken away.

I prayed that Luke would feel God absolutely carrying him through this. Like he was floating on a cloud.

I prayed for my entire family and that the pain and angst they are feeling be soothed.

I prayed specifically for my Mason and that he remain strong and steadfast in ALL the wonderful things going on in his life.

I prayed again, that I am enough.

I prayed that the 100 bleach wipes we used today to clean all that we could in Luke’s room, help keep him safe through transplant and recovery. To keep any and all bacterial, fungus, ANYTHING.

I prayed for my Luke’s mind and heart settle. I prayed for my heart to settle. For fear to subside.

I prayed for Dr. Kohler to know precisely every single cell, lab, pharmaceutical and side effect, and how to use and treat them. That he use his incredible, mighty, intellect and the decades he has spent becoming the magnificent physician that he is.

We are READY. Whatever is in front of us, we will deal with and conquer. It is not going to be all roses and butterflies, but with our posse, faith, attitude, and God-we got this!

If you get any strange updates from me tomorrow, it’s the drugs, not me. Or it is possible my brother has gotten ahold of my phone during my vulnerable state tomorrow and is giving me paybacks. I mean, I would be plotting some sort of shenanigan if I were him.

Buckets of dancin’ and skippin’ forward!

Suz